Sunday, 21 December 2008


Seek pleasure, avoid pain. Rule number one of My Guidance to Self on Life. A proper explanation of the contents of said guide is largely beyond the scope of this entry. I will say this, though: It is important to cultivate reliable sources of pleasure.

I've seen many painfully waste films in my time - the gods looked upon my plight and granted me an ability. By simply watching the trailer I would know with 98.2% accuracy which films would cause me to suffer. It gets better... Kal El has Earth's yellow sun. I have access to YouTube. That's right. Every trailer ever made at my fingertips.

So when I got the following call the other day I knew I could safely ignore its tidings:

He: Have I just seen the worst film ever?
Translation: I HAVE just seen the worst film ever. He doesn't mean it, of course. He simply means he's seen a very bad film.

Me: Let me guess. Max Payne.
I'd have got good odds on it being Max Payne. It's the film of a game, you see.

He: The Day the Earth Stood Still.

Already TrailerVised and approved, my friend. The same goes for High School Musical 3 and Speedracer despite the abundance of sincere warnings I've received against following such a course. Hmph, what are the clamourings of mere mortals compared with the beacon of certainty that is TrailerVision?

Wednesday, 10 December 2008


I expect my immune system and the natural defences that roll with it to protect me from people coughing and sneezing nearby. They expect me not to ingest harmful bacteria and viruses. Normally basic hygiene will suffice when it comes to my end of the bargain. Not at Christmas though. Many are run down with the stresses that it brings, meaning people are more likely to be ill. Add to this the steady flow of cakes, chocs and sweets into an office enviroment rife with contamination opportunities.

Within an hour of arriving at work this morning I had seen enough to know that I'd be wise to step up my game if I was serious about not letting illness disrupt my future merry making. Half the population was sniffling or coughing and at one point I saw one of the infected at my desk using my keyboard and mouse. Clearly, absent mindedly popping a Galaxy Truffle Celebration into my mouth is the kind of risky behaviour I shouldn't indulge in. The hands of the infected had been in the box and my own hands had been on my mouse and keyboard. Careful planning with an eye on the law of cause and effect was the best protection in that kind of situation. Like so:

1) Select your sweets. Three is a good amount at any one time if you're interested in not looking greedy.

2) Disrobe the sweets. Be careful not to touch the sweet or the inside of the wrapper where you will leave the sweet resting.

3) Transfer your sweet to your private drawer while continuing to observe the warnings of step 2. Anywhere where you keep stationary is a no-no as the infected feel they have the right to access these regions.

4) Time to wash your hands. Many do this first. A mistake. Mistakes are for the infected.

5) Exiting the bathroom or kitchen is likely to mean you encounter doors and other obstacles which require the use of your hands. Only use one hand and remember which hand you use. Use the same hand to open your private drawer.

6) Enjoy your chocs and sweets ensuring that anything that goes into your mouth has no contact with contaminated materials.