Saturday, 23 June 2012


Play hard to get if you must but not at the expense of courtesy. I shouldn't have to wait 48 hours before you respond to a missed call. 48 hours. That means I went to sleep twice.

You can pretend you're unavailable in a civil manner. Have some class.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

you move, you lose

Although we have our differences I have to admit there are good things to be said about high heels.  Trouble is, some women can only capitalise on the benefits if they're standing still.

Ungainly might be cute in newborn lambs but it's got prey written all over it and killa swag is solely the domain of the predator.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

nary a backward glance

This morning while I was on the phone a colleague of mine walked up, frisked me, put her hand in my pocket, removed my chewing gum (Wrigleys Extra. Cool Breeze flavour of course - only way to fly and all that), took two, replaced my property and walked off.

The End.

Monday, 3 January 2011

do your parity bit

I've been making more effort in the boy/girl zone lately, that includes gettin' in the online dating game...

Disparity in Effort

Generic online chick: Please be creative with your messages. I won't reply to "Hi, how you doing?"

This seems like a fair request but when your profile is under five lines and on the wrong side of basic don't ask for creativity. If you want creative we need material to work with. Inconsiderate.

Disparity in Interest

We're a few messages deep and you haven't read my profile, I'm driving the conversation and we're only talking about you? Pause. Quit to menu.

Disparity in Enthusiasm

Signing in every day (stalk much, J?) but taking five days to reply. I have an above average size ego. Making it apparent that I'm second best? Homie don't play dat.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

why mate?

"You either love me or hate me, like Marmite."

Quite simply this is a rubbish thing to say. There's nothing to gain by hoisting this garbage out of the doldrum zone of your mind and transmitting it by any known method of intelligible communication. You missed clever (it's only clever if you came up with it after that it's copying), missed funny (can you say "diminishing returns"?).

You know what? It's not even true anyway. In reality alot of people think Marmite is the manifestation of meh - they can take it or leave it. And hell, I challenge you to find someone that loves Marmite. On your marks, get set, go. You lose. I'll find someone who loves Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli crisps before you can find someone who loves Marmite every time - it just doesn't have much in the way of luvability.

Hi-fives for the guys and gals at Marmite for unleashing an ad-campaign that mutated into a brain eating monster. You earned your pay - way to lead by example. As for anyone else, read the signs: no riding the brain eating monster. No matter how stupid you are, having your brain eaten isn't good for you.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

fix up

Caught myself delivering a handshake on a setting lower than "firm" because the other person doing the shaking was a female.

Certified fail, Johnny Boy.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Valentine's Day

As I hand over the cash.

Cashier: For The Mrs, right?

Me: Heh heh, Yeah.
Doing the back-of-the-head-scratch as I say it - you know the one.

More like 'Yeah, right.' Big film. Be about it.