Saturday, 20 November 2010

why mate?

"You either love me or hate me, like Marmite."

Quite simply this is a rubbish thing to say. There's nothing to gain by hoisting this garbage out of the doldrum zone of your mind and transmitting it by any known method of intelligible communication. You missed clever (it's only clever if you came up with it after that it's copying), missed funny (can you say "diminishing returns"?).

You know what? It's not even true anyway. In reality alot of people think Marmite is the manifestation of meh - they can take it or leave it. And hell, I challenge you to find someone that loves Marmite. On your marks, get set, go. You lose. I'll find someone who loves Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli crisps before you can find someone who loves Marmite every time - it just doesn't have much in the way of luvability.

Hi-fives for the guys and gals at Marmite for unleashing an ad-campaign that mutated into a brain eating monster. You earned your pay - way to lead by example. As for anyone else, read the signs: no riding the brain eating monster. No matter how stupid you are, having your brain eaten isn't good for you.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

fix up

Caught myself delivering a handshake on a setting lower than "firm" because the other person doing the shaking was a female.

Certified fail, Johnny Boy.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Valentine's Day

As I hand over the cash.

Cashier: For The Mrs, right?

Me: Heh heh, Yeah.
Doing the back-of-the-head-scratch as I say it - you know the one.

More like 'Yeah, right.' Big film. Be about it.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010


Random chick: Is that your pencil case?

Me: No.

A sheepish grin (affected) makes the "No" an unequivocal "Yes".

Random chick: Delightful!

The fact that chicks dig it isn't the point, though. The fact that the possibility of an ambiguity defence is negated by the fact that I found it in a pink-dominant stationary section doesn't really matter. The fact that its toxicity to man points is such that only a real man can get away with owning it - no es importante, amigo.

It's the best pencil case I've ever seen. I simply had to have it, dahling.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

crystal mark

Inspired by an old email from a brother with the same mother, I'm going to translate The Jiggaman's Roc Boys so everyone can 'act like you know'.

First of all I wanna thank my connect
The most important person with all due respect

The last thing I want is to diminish the importance of other contributors and thereby offend them, but the truth is my drug supplier is the most important person in my world and for that I thank them.

Thanks to the duffle bag the brown paper bag
The nike shoe box for holding all this cash
Boys in blue who put greed before the badge
The first pusher who ever made the stash

Let's not forget my entry-level drug dealing paraphernalia, corrupt police who no longer consider 'protect and serve' to be the prime directive and one particular visionary in the field of drug storage facilities.

Thanks to the lames niggas with bad aim
Thanks to a little change I tore you out the game
Bullet wounds'll stop your bufoonery
Thanks to the pastor rapping at your eulogy

Hats off to certain wastemans with poor firearms skills. I used some of my money to rid myself of these competitors. They were shot to death and therefore required a member of the clergy to speak at their funerals - he deserves my thanks.

To Lil Kim and them you know the women friend who
Carry the work cross state for a gentleman
Yea, thanks to all the hustlers, and most important to you, the customer

Thanks to the female drug mules who were prepared to cross state borders to fulfil their duty, to middle men and other key operatives and, naturally, the drug addicts themselves.

Let your hair down baby, I just hit a score
Pick any place on the planet, pick a shore

Relax, my dear. I've just finalised a lucrative deal, you see. We can go anywhere on Earth, just name it.

Take what forbes figured then figure more
Cause they forgot to account what I did with the raw

Forbes calculated my monetary worth. It's not an accurate reckoning though because they didn't allow for my profits from drug dealing.

Put your hand out the window, feel the force
Feel the porsche, hit the frost
Ice cold, jewels got no flaws
Drop got no top, you on the top floor
Pink Rose, think O.J.

Feel the air resistance as you put your hand out of the car window. That, friend, is the unmistakeable feeling of an expensive, high performance vehicle. While you're at it admire my high quality jewelry. I'd like to also remind you that I have the penthouse and am able to treat relatively expensive alcoholic beverages as if they were merely orange juice.

I get away with murder when I sling yay
Heron got less steps than Britney that means it aint stepped on digg me?

My drugs are of a potency that probably kills some people nonetheless I proceed with impunity like O.J. Simpson. I'd like to illustrate this point by saying that my product has gone through very few purity diminishing processes. In fact the figure is less than the amount of steps Britney Spears got through when attempting (and failing) her 12-step rehab program.

Rare porsches, rare portraits, rare guns if you dare come near the fortress
With apple sauces from the apple orchard

This kind of talk is only reserved for the bosses
Which means I get it from the ground
Which means you get it when i'm around

I own many rare commodities which include firearms in order to defend my property. Only drug barons can really flaunt it in this manner. My status means I get my drugs from the source so as long as I'm around there's no need to worry about a supply shortage.

Rich niggas, black bar-mitzvahs,
Mazel Tov its a celebration bitches,
L'Chayim I wish for you a hundred years of success but it's my time
Cheers, toast to crime number one d-boy shame he could rhyme

I'm rich like your stereotypical Jew. I'm a top flight drug dealer, sadly I couldn't give it my full attention due to my superlative rapping ability.

Sunday, 13 June 2010


Zheng: What's your exit?

Ethan: Base-jump off the top. I need a chute.

Zheng: Even at 162 [feet], you're pushing the minimum height for a jump. Chute opens any lower than that and you're dead.

The fictional realm. The only place where a reckless nature is a good look (Ethan ends up base-jumping from way lower that 162 - my guy). In the real world it's a character flaw.

When you OD on prescribed medicine because you thought you knew better than the accompanying guidelines that's reckless behaviour. "I figured I'd just take the whole day's course in the morning incase I forget to take them during the day". Riiiight.

As with many things, when it comes to recklessness there's a scale involved ranging from mild to severe. Wherever the above crackhead manoeuvre lies on that scale, I'd wager that the kind of actions it keeps company with include those that may lead to her future offspring being maimed or killed. Thanks for stopping me from wasting time with further courting behaviour, roodgurl.

Premptive Strike. Hoo-rah!

Thursday, 6 May 2010

the wood for the trees

"You'd better vote, black people died to give you the right!"

Yes. Technically that may well be true. Someone has missed the point though. They were striving to achieve equality, the right to be treated like everyone else. Whether I vote or not, the fact that I can choose proves they've achieved their goal and did not die in vain. Think about it. If there were some special moral obligation to vote depending on race would that be equal?

Thank you, brave souls! Now I will proceed to do precisely as I please.

Monday, 19 April 2010


Why does my dictionay have 24 entries under the word love? That's not normal. That's not even close to normal. In fact, it's off the scale and about to blow. I suspect that this is merely splash damage, a ripple emanating from what appears to be widespread confusion...

Question. Is it really the only emotion that a normal, fully grown human can say, with a straight face, they have yet to experience? (play along by looking at one of the net's exhaustive lists of emotions and try to find one you haven't experienced) Or is it the fabled 'true love' strain they haven't experienced? Or perhaps they've experienced love but haven't been in love. I hear stuff like this all the time. We need a board.

While we're contemplating its exceptional nature... Why is it the only emotion with imposters? Infatuation, puppy love, love at first sight, etc. Depending on who you ask these may or may not be love. Why don't other emotions have this problem? Something isn't right.

Anything else of interest? As a matter of fact, yes. Not too long ago I was with a bunch of about ten people. Each having a different definition for love. A state of affairs that allows people to get away with stuff like this:

"I got love for him but I'm not in love with him."

What? Talk sense. Dabbling in a custom made love definition or two? Hmph. Looks like the L-word has a achieved runaway train status and if you're the thoughtful type it may well be coming to a conversation near you. Just hesitated when certain questions were put to you or when you should be delivering an expected verbal reciprocation? God help your relationship because stuttering something about the overwhelming quantity of definitions won't.

To be fair most people seem to understand love, if only in a viceral sense. They relate to the characters in a love story and to each other when they describe their own experiences. Nonetheless, knowing that words are the primary vehicle of communication, those of the inquisitive minority may realise that if a mutant word is attempting to crash their dictionary, there may be trouble ahead.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Too Many Man.

"I'll give you a tip. Check to make sure your date got home alright. It shows you care."

Too Many Man Syndrome. Far too many mans make my life harder for me by doing this kind of thing without thinking it through.

When it comes to getting home there isn't an inordinate amount of danger involved. Yes, we've all heard the horror stories but the thing is, in my story they always make it home. Every single one of them. All my dates. All my male friends' dates. All my female friends who have been on a date. I'm just listening to life telling me there's not much danger. That means this set of circumstances can't reliably measure how much I care because if there's no danger, I'm not worried. If I'm not worried, I won't check. Well adjusted.

Maybe I'm wrong about the danger, though. If so, why aren't people acting like it? Checking is the wimped out version of caring behaviour. Go in. Pimp your shit out - if it's dangerous be a man about it and escort her home. Let's be real though. I doubt guys fret about her safety, getting a hit of relief once they receive the 'I made it' text. At best the check is executed in a perfunctory fashion, at worst with base motives as the driving force - ticking those boxes 'til they get what they want.

Talk is cheap.