it's a Blighty ting

First Sea Lord - professional head of the Royal Navy and the whole Naval Service.

Easily the best sounding job title ever conceived. When they coined the term "It has a ring to it", they were talking about this job title. Fact.

you're 'avin' a laugh, mate

The fire alarm went off today...

Rule 4: Do not stop to collect personal belongings.

Whatever.

you can't escape the rate

He: What's that?

Me: DJ Hero.

He: How much?

Me: A 1er.

He: 1er? You coulda put a score on top and copped some True Religion jeans.

Me: True Religion?

He: Oh my days! You don't know True Religion?

A blank stare is as useful as speech here.

He: They're sick. They'll make your poom-poom ratings go up. Just go up in Selfridges ask for the True Religion section. There are ones for all £400 but the 120s are still heavy.

Me: You've got the 400s?

He: Nah. The 250s. Check it out on my Facebook with the Gucci belt. One chick commented "Is that the Gucci belt? £150?"

Each to his own pathology.

Me: Was it?

He: What?! 'Course! The Gucci is sick... Seriously, the DJ Hero can only be making your poom-poom ratings go down.

'Poom-poom ratings' are probably only legal tender with certain females but that's academic because on a desert island they're definitely useless and that's what scratching, crossfading and rewiiiiiiinding your way to club land glory on DJ Hero for the whole weekend is - a desert island.

p.s. I stopped to watch an Episode of Lipstick Jungle (be about it) because riding the limits of human hand-eye co-ordination to death's door (damn you, Scratch Perverts) with the turntable peripheral is hard on the hands.

beat down

Me: I'm getting down with The Beatles Rockband.

He: You play that garbage? I don't see the point. It's not like it teaches you to play the guitar.

Uh oh. There's a shaky premise lurking 'round these here parts just asking to get duffed up and left in the corner. We play because it's fun. When it comes to gaming there's a simple rule for any encounter with the word educational: swap it for boring. Anyway.

Rockband and any games of that ilk are at their best when you select one of your favourite tracks, crank the difficulty up to expert (Ok ok. Hard, then.) and let your fingers get to work. Sometimes when you really get in the zone they start doing a demented jig and you hit every note wondering "How am I even doing this?" At that point, you're none other than a brutally legendary, axe grinding, warrior king of rock. That's right, homie. You're rocking out. Elation.

So why are there no tracks that do this for me on The Beatles game? And what the hell is that yellow submarine business? Into a bit of self-flagellation with the boredom stick? That's your song. And if I may, I'd like to visit the general WTF-ery of that track for a second time: On what planet is the subject matter not utter pants?

I can see the love that went into it - they let the fan boys really go to town, but after a while you've just bloody well had enough. I'm trading it in. Let's see if Metallica can do better...

Sick Man!

"Bruv, why am I still up playing Batman?!"

I received that text message at 08:16 this morning.

The answer? Is it because Batman is the finest game this year making it more important than sleep? Not entirely. It's the Pathology.

Game on, Homes. I see you.

you say it best when you say nothing at all

Change is constant

Stop spouting this in knee-jerk fashion. Instead, carry a homemade coin in your pocket which says 'Change is constant' on one side and 'The more things change the more they stay the same' on the reverse. When a opportunity to say something about change comes up, pull out the coin (surreptitiously, of course) and work out to which of those hackneyed one-liners the situation applies. By the time you reach a conclusion your opportunity to speak may well have passed thereby allowing you to avoid the arrows of error under the aegis of Lady Luck herself, while simultaneously basking in something akin to true wisdom complete with pensive visage.

Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer

You're aiming for deep or cool. Stop it. I can imagine Machiavelli whispering this in the ear of upper echelon corporate types, drug barons, prime ministers and kings. But let's be real, the closest you've come to anything resembling the game of thrones is castle kingside in a game of chess - if that. Seriously. Abort.

I don't hate anyone

I really don't know why I've been hearing this so often. Perhaps it's from some popular self help book that I can't be bothered to read. Might be true that you don't hate anyone but let's be clear, it's a matter of circumstance not a matter of will. Think you could mount that high horse as an inmate of a concentration camp? Hate is an emotion and unless you're Buddha (or any similar top-kick spiritual entity of your choice) you're at the mercy of it with the rest of us. How you act on that hate? Well, that's another story.

Bridgeburners

Still asking the ladies for too much perhaps...

If you're in a mood that is likely to leave me getting the conversation out of bed, washed and dressed with its shoelaces tied while you deliver monosyllables in a bored tone then just don't answer the phone. I can take my call ringing out now and then 'cos that's what big boys do. However, if you find that adhering to the above advice means you aren't answering the phone much then you're probably a moody person. Unacceptable.

The grass used to be greener. A pretty face like hers would slip the get out of jail free card under my conscious mind's radar and gain a stay of execution. Alas, this isn't John circa 2002: time wasting is against policy. So face or no, you'll get burned from the field in a timely fashion along with everyone else - rago.