why mate?

"You either love me or hate me, like Marmite."

Quite simply this is a rubbish thing to say. There's nothing to gain by hoisting this garbage out of the doldrum zone of your mind and transmitting it by any known method of intelligible communication. You missed clever (it's only clever if you came up with it after that it's copying), missed funny (can you say "diminishing returns"?).

You know what? It's not even true anyway. In reality alot of people think Marmite is the manifestation of meh - they can take it or leave it. And hell, I challenge you to find someone that loves Marmite. On your marks, get set, go. You lose. I'll find someone who loves Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli crisps before you can find someone who loves Marmite every time - it just doesn't have much in the way of luvability.

Hi-fives for the guys and gals at Marmite for unleashing an ad-campaign that mutated into a brain eating monster. You earned your pay - way to lead by example. As for anyone else, read the signs: no riding the brain eating monster. No matter how stupid you are, having your brain eaten isn't good for you.

Too Many Man.

"I'll give you a tip. Check to make sure your date got home alright. It shows you care."

Too Many Man Syndrome. Far too many mans make my life harder for me by doing this kind of thing without thinking it through.

When it comes to getting home there isn't an inordinate amount of danger involved. Yes, we've all heard the horror stories but the thing is, in my story they always make it home. Every single one of them. All my dates. All my male friends' dates. All my female friends who have been on a date. I'm just listening to life telling me there's not much danger. That means this set of circumstances can't reliably measure how much I care because if there's no danger, I'm not worried. If I'm not worried, I won't check. Well adjusted.

Maybe I'm wrong about the danger, though. If so, why aren't people acting like it? Checking is the wimped out version of caring behaviour. Go in. Pimp your shit out - if it's dangerous be a man about it and escort her home. Let's be real though. I doubt guys fret about her safety, getting a hit of relief once they receive the 'I made it' text. At best the check is executed in a perfunctory fashion, at worst with base motives as the driving force - ticking those boxes 'til they get what they want.

Talk is cheap.

you can't escape the rate

He: What's that?

Me: DJ Hero.

He: How much?

Me: A 1er.

He: 1er? You coulda put a score on top and copped some True Religion jeans.

Me: True Religion?

He: Oh my days! You don't know True Religion?

A blank stare is as useful as speech here.

He: They're sick. They'll make your poom-poom ratings go up. Just go up in Selfridges ask for the True Religion section. There are ones for all £400 but the 120s are still heavy.

Me: You've got the 400s?

He: Nah. The 250s. Check it out on my Facebook with the Gucci belt. One chick commented "Is that the Gucci belt? £150?"

Each to his own pathology.

Me: Was it?

He: What?! 'Course! The Gucci is sick... Seriously, the DJ Hero can only be making your poom-poom ratings go down.

'Poom-poom ratings' are probably only legal tender with certain females but that's academic because on a desert island they're definitely useless and that's what scratching, crossfading and rewiiiiiiinding your way to club land glory on DJ Hero for the whole weekend is - a desert island.

p.s. I stopped to watch an Episode of Lipstick Jungle (be about it) because riding the limits of human hand-eye co-ordination to death's door (damn you, Scratch Perverts) with the turntable peripheral is hard on the hands.

you say it best when you say nothing at all

Change is constant

Stop spouting this in knee-jerk fashion. Instead, carry a homemade coin in your pocket which says 'Change is constant' on one side and 'The more things change the more they stay the same' on the reverse. When a opportunity to say something about change comes up, pull out the coin (surreptitiously, of course) and work out to which of those hackneyed one-liners the situation applies. By the time you reach a conclusion your opportunity to speak may well have passed thereby allowing you to avoid the arrows of error under the aegis of Lady Luck herself, while simultaneously basking in something akin to true wisdom complete with pensive visage.

Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer

You're aiming for deep or cool. Stop it. I can imagine Machiavelli whispering this in the ear of upper echelon corporate types, drug barons, prime ministers and kings. But let's be real, the closest you've come to anything resembling the game of thrones is castle kingside in a game of chess - if that. Seriously. Abort.

I don't hate anyone

I really don't know why I've been hearing this so often. Perhaps it's from some popular self help book that I can't be bothered to read. Might be true that you don't hate anyone but let's be clear, it's a matter of circumstance not a matter of will. Think you could mount that high horse as an inmate of a concentration camp? Hate is an emotion and unless you're Buddha (or any similar top-kick spiritual entity of your choice) you're at the mercy of it with the rest of us. How you act on that hate? Well, that's another story.

hyperbole with the safety off

The most famous man to have walked the surface of the earth will soon be put six feet under it. In my world he'd been in decline for so long that he doesn't leave an empty space - I never knew him and was done cherry picking from his works long ago. For his achievements as a musician and performer it's hats tipped and lances dipped, as it should be but some people just have to OD with the OTT:

"Look what he's done for the global economy"

"...because of him many people have pursued and become successful in their respectable jobs such as Tiger Woods, Opera [sic] and maybe even Mr Obama"

Love the caution when it came to Obama, like maybe he was pushing it... The safest way to indulge in hype while protecting your reputation is to ensure it's intentional. Unintentional hype is risky and may make you look the fool, a crack taker or a waffler.

By the way, Bow Wow deserves an honourable mention. He threw the kitchen sink at it:

"They got to bring him back".

The lad just needed a bigger sink.