bridgeburners

Play hard to get if you must but not at the expense of courtesy. I shouldn't have to wait 48 hours before you respond to a missed call. 48 hours. That means I went to sleep twice.

You can pretend you're unavailable in a civil manner. Have some class.

you move, you lose

Although we have our differences I have to admit there are good things to be said about high heels.  Trouble is, some women can only capitalise on the benefits if they're standing still.

Ungainly might be cute in newborn lambs but it's got prey written all over it and killa swag is solely the domain of the predator.

nary a backward glance

This morning while I was on the phone a colleague of mine walked up, frisked me, put her hand in my pocket, removed my chewing gum (Wrigleys Extra. Cool Breeze flavour of course - only way to fly and all that), took two, replaced my property and walked off.

The End.

do your parity bit

I've been making more effort in the boy/girl zone lately, that includes gettin' in the online dating game...

Disparity in Effort

Generic online chick: Please be creative with your messages. I won't reply to "Hi, how you doing?"

This seems like a fair request but when your profile is under five lines and on the wrong side of basic don't ask for creativity. If you want creative we need material to work with. Inconsiderate.

Disparity in Interest

We're a few messages deep and you haven't read my profile, I'm driving the conversation and we're only talking about you? Pause. Quit to menu.

Disparity in Enthusiasm

Signing in every day (stalk much, J?) but taking five days to reply. I have an above average size ego. Making it apparent that I'm second best? Homie don't play dat.

why mate?

"You either love me or hate me, like Marmite."

Quite simply this is a rubbish thing to say. There's nothing to gain by hoisting this garbage out of the doldrum zone of your mind and transmitting it by any known method of intelligible communication. You missed clever (it's only clever if you came up with it after that it's copying), missed funny (can you say "diminishing returns"?).

You know what? It's not even true anyway. In reality alot of people think Marmite is the manifestation of meh - they can take it or leave it. And hell, I challenge you to find someone that loves Marmite. On your marks, get set, go. You lose. I'll find someone who loves Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli crisps before you can find someone who loves Marmite every time - it just doesn't have much in the way of luvability.

Hi-fives for the guys and gals at Marmite for unleashing an ad-campaign that mutated into a brain eating monster. You earned your pay - way to lead by example. As for anyone else, read the signs: no riding the brain eating monster. No matter how stupid you are, having your brain eaten isn't good for you.

fix up

Caught myself delivering a handshake on a setting lower than "firm" because the other person doing the shaking was a female.

Certified fail, Johnny Boy.

Valentine's Day

As I hand over the cash.

Cashier: For The Mrs, right?

Me: Heh heh, Yeah.
Doing the back-of-the-head-scratch as I say it - you know the one.

More like 'Yeah, right.' Big film. Be about it.

peacockery

Random chick: Is that your pencil case?

Me: No.

A sheepish grin (affected) makes the "No" an unequivocal "Yes".

Random chick: Delightful!

The fact that chicks dig it isn't the point, though. The fact that the possibility of an ambiguity defence is negated by the fact that I found it in a pink-dominant stationary section doesn't really matter. The fact that its toxicity to man points is such that only a real man can get away with owning it - no es importante, amigo.

It's the best pencil case I've ever seen. I simply had to have it, dahling.

crystal mark

Inspired by an old email from a brother with the same mother, I'm going to translate The Jiggaman's Roc Boys so everyone can 'act like you know'.

First of all I wanna thank my connect
The most important person with all due respect

The last thing I want is to diminish the importance of other contributors and thereby offend them, but the truth is my drug supplier is the most important person in my world and for that I thank them.

Thanks to the duffle bag the brown paper bag
The nike shoe box for holding all this cash
Boys in blue who put greed before the badge
The first pusher who ever made the stash

Let's not forget my entry-level drug dealing paraphernalia, corrupt police who no longer consider 'protect and serve' to be the prime directive and one particular visionary in the field of drug storage facilities.

Thanks to the lames niggas with bad aim
Thanks to a little change I tore you out the game
Bullet wounds'll stop your bufoonery
Thanks to the pastor rapping at your eulogy

Hats off to certain wastemans with poor firearms skills. I used some of my money to rid myself of these competitors. They were shot to death and therefore required a member of the clergy to speak at their funerals - he deserves my thanks.

To Lil Kim and them you know the women friend who
Carry the work cross state for a gentleman
Yea, thanks to all the hustlers, and most important to you, the customer

Thanks to the female drug mules who were prepared to cross state borders to fulfil their duty, to middle men and other key operatives and, naturally, the drug addicts themselves.

Let your hair down baby, I just hit a score
Pick any place on the planet, pick a shore

Relax, my dear. I've just finalised a lucrative deal, you see. We can go anywhere on Earth, just name it.

Take what forbes figured then figure more
Cause they forgot to account what I did with the raw

Forbes calculated my monetary worth. It's not an accurate reckoning though because they didn't allow for my profits from drug dealing.

Put your hand out the window, feel the force
Feel the porsche, hit the frost
Ice cold, jewels got no flaws
Drop got no top, you on the top floor
Pink Rose, think O.J.

Feel the air resistance as you put your hand out of the car window. That, friend, is the unmistakeable feeling of an expensive, high performance vehicle. While you're at it admire my high quality jewelry. I'd like to also remind you that I have the penthouse and am able to treat relatively expensive alcoholic beverages as if they were merely orange juice.

I get away with murder when I sling yay
Heron got less steps than Britney that means it aint stepped on digg me?

My drugs are of a potency that probably kills some people nonetheless I proceed with impunity like O.J. Simpson. I'd like to illustrate this point by saying that my product has gone through very few purity diminishing processes. In fact the figure is less than the amount of steps Britney Spears got through when attempting (and failing) her 12-step rehab program.

Rare porsches, rare portraits, rare guns if you dare come near the fortress
With apple sauces from the apple orchard
This kind of talk is only reserved for the bosses
Which means I get it from the ground
Which means you get it when i'm around

I own many rare commodities which include firearms in order to defend my property. Only drug barons can really flaunt it in this manner. My status means I get my drugs from the source so as long as I'm around there's no need to worry about a supply shortage.

Rich niggas, black bar-mitzvahs,
Mazel Tov its a celebration bitches,
L'Chayim I wish for you a hundred years of success but it's my time
Cheers, toast to crime number one d-boy shame he could rhyme

I'm rich like your stereotypical Jew. I'm a top flight drug dealer, sadly I couldn't give it my full attention due to my superlative rapping ability.

Bridgeburners

Zheng: What's your exit?

Ethan: Base-jump off the top. I need a chute.

Zheng: Even at 162 [feet], you're pushing the minimum height for a jump. Chute opens any lower than that and you're dead.

The fictional realm. The only place where a reckless nature is a good look (Ethan ends up base-jumping from way lower that 162 - my guy). In the real world it's a character flaw.

When you OD on prescribed medicine because you thought you knew better than the accompanying guidelines that's reckless behaviour. "I figured I'd just take the whole day's course in the morning incase I forget to take them during the day". Riiiight.

As with many things, when it comes to recklessness there's a scale involved ranging from mild to severe. Wherever the above crackhead manoeuvre lies on that scale, I'd wager that the kind of actions it keeps company with include those that may lead to her future offspring being maimed or killed. Thanks for stopping me from wasting time with further courting behaviour, roodgurl.

Premptive Strike. Hoo-rah!

the wood for the trees

"You'd better vote, black people died to give you the right!"

Yes. Technically that may well be true. Someone has missed the point though. They were striving to achieve equality, the right to be treated like everyone else. Whether I vote or not, the fact that I can choose proves they've achieved their goal and did not die in vain. Think about it. If there were some special moral obligation to vote depending on race would that be equal?

Thank you, brave souls! Now I will proceed to do precisely as I please.

outlier

Why does my dictionay have 24 entries under the word love? That's not normal. That's not even close to normal. In fact, it's off the scale and about to blow. I suspect that this is merely splash damage, a ripple emanating from what appears to be widespread confusion...

Question. Is it really the only emotion that a normal, fully grown human can say, with a straight face, they have yet to experience? (play along by looking at one of the net's exhaustive lists of emotions and try to find one you haven't experienced) Or is it the fabled 'true love' strain they haven't experienced? Or perhaps they've experienced love but haven't been in love. I hear stuff like this all the time. We need a board.

While we're contemplating its exceptional nature... Why is it the only emotion with imposters? Infatuation, puppy love, love at first sight, etc. Depending on who you ask these may or may not be love. Why don't other emotions have this problem? Something isn't right.

Anything else of interest? As a matter of fact, yes. Not too long ago I was with a bunch of about ten people. Each having a different definition for love. A state of affairs that allows people to get away with stuff like this:

"I got love for him but I'm not in love with him."

What? Talk sense. Dabbling in a custom made love definition or two? Hmph. Looks like the L-word has a achieved runaway train status and if you're the thoughtful type it may well be coming to a conversation near you. Just hesitated when certain questions were put to you or when you should be delivering an expected verbal reciprocation? God help your relationship because stuttering something about the overwhelming quantity of definitions won't.

To be fair most people seem to understand love, if only in a viceral sense. They relate to the characters in a love story and to each other when they describe their own experiences. Nonetheless, knowing that words are the primary vehicle of communication, those of the inquisitive minority may realise that if a mutant word is attempting to crash their dictionary, there may be trouble ahead.

Too Many Man.

"I'll give you a tip. Check to make sure your date got home alright. It shows you care."

Too Many Man Syndrome. Far too many mans make my life harder for me by doing this kind of thing without thinking it through.

When it comes to getting home there isn't an inordinate amount of danger involved. Yes, we've all heard the horror stories but the thing is, in my story they always make it home. Every single one of them. All my dates. All my male friends' dates. All my female friends who have been on a date. I'm just listening to life telling me there's not much danger. That means this set of circumstances can't reliably measure how much I care because if there's no danger, I'm not worried. If I'm not worried, I won't check. Well adjusted.

Maybe I'm wrong about the danger, though. If so, why aren't people acting like it? Checking is the wimped out version of caring behaviour. Go in. Pimp your shit out - if it's dangerous be a man about it and escort her home. Let's be real though. I doubt guys fret about her safety, getting a hit of relief once they receive the 'I made it' text. At best the check is executed in a perfunctory fashion, at worst with base motives as the driving force - ticking those boxes 'til they get what they want.

Talk is cheap.

dogs playing cards

Melyssa Ford - number 1.

I got the above text the other day. Shrapnel from my favourite debate: Top Ten Hottest Celebrity Chicks in the Known Universe. Everyone's an expert. That's why it's so popular. No pearls. No swine. Actually, every man is an expert (give or take in the obvious places). I mean, we're happy to let the ladies have their say but it's a bit like my two year old cousin thinking he's playing xbox but not knowing his controller is unplugged.

Think about it. If you don't lust after human females and you put your opinion forward are you really talking about the same thing as a guy who says, matter-of-factly, "I'd give her the full clip. No Long."? I know what he's talking about as surely as I know water's wet but I'm really not sure what is meant when I hear it said, from the ranks of the gyal dem, that "Charlize Theron is really pretty". It's probably something like me looking at a Lamborghini Murcialago and judging it as aesthetically pleasing. It's not the same. Sorry, luv. You're not contributing any empirically relevant data. Have you checked your controller?

I can even feel something isn't right in the way it's said. Pretty? That adjective just can't carry the kind of emotional payload demanded (plus you picked Charlize - we don't believe you, you need more people). I think an example from the text message archives can illustrate:

Cheryl Cole is proper peng.

Mrs Washington is fire and so is her girlfriend.

(Where 'girlfriend' is none other than Dania Ramirez, who is indeed fire and currently assailing the long standing inhabitants of many a top ten list.)

See. Warm blooded authenticity.

So while I'm genuinely fascinated by the depths of human diversity when I hear criminalities like "Tia and Tamara are hotter than Jessica Alba. Jessica doesn't even make the Premiership"(Football metaphors are commonplace), when I hear crimes of similar severity coming from the mouths of the unqualified I'm unmoved. Jack in.

By the way. Jada wins the World Cup... Back to back. She wins it back to back.

it's a Blighty ting

First Sea Lord - professional head of the Royal Navy and the whole Naval Service.

Easily the best sounding job title ever conceived. When they coined the term "It has a ring to it", they were talking about this job title. Fact.

you're 'avin' a laugh, mate

The fire alarm went off today...

Rule 4: Do not stop to collect personal belongings.

Whatever.

you can't escape the rate

He: What's that?

Me: DJ Hero.

He: How much?

Me: A 1er.

He: 1er? You coulda put a score on top and copped some True Religion jeans.

Me: True Religion?

He: Oh my days! You don't know True Religion?

A blank stare is as useful as speech here.

He: They're sick. They'll make your poom-poom ratings go up. Just go up in Selfridges ask for the True Religion section. There are ones for all £400 but the 120s are still heavy.

Me: You've got the 400s?

He: Nah. The 250s. Check it out on my Facebook with the Gucci belt. One chick commented "Is that the Gucci belt? £150?"

Each to his own pathology.

Me: Was it?

He: What?! 'Course! The Gucci is sick... Seriously, the DJ Hero can only be making your poom-poom ratings go down.

'Poom-poom ratings' are probably only legal tender with certain females but that's academic because on a desert island they're definitely useless and that's what scratching, crossfading and rewiiiiiiinding your way to club land glory on DJ Hero for the whole weekend is - a desert island.

p.s. I stopped to watch an Episode of Lipstick Jungle (be about it) because riding the limits of human hand-eye co-ordination to death's door (damn you, Scratch Perverts) with the turntable peripheral is hard on the hands.

beat down

Me: I'm getting down with The Beatles Rockband.

He: You play that garbage? I don't see the point. It's not like it teaches you to play the guitar.

Uh oh. There's a shaky premise lurking 'round these here parts just asking to get duffed up and left in the corner. We play because it's fun. When it comes to gaming there's a simple rule for any encounter with the word educational: swap it for boring. Anyway.

Rockband and any games of that ilk are at their best when you select one of your favourite tracks, crank the difficulty up to expert (Ok ok. Hard, then.) and let your fingers get to work. Sometimes when you really get in the zone they start doing a demented jig and you hit every note wondering "How am I even doing this?" At that point, you're none other than a brutally legendary, axe grinding, warrior king of rock. That's right, homie. You're rocking out. Elation.

So why are there no tracks that do this for me on The Beatles game? And what the hell is that yellow submarine business? Into a bit of self-flagellation with the boredom stick? That's your song. And if I may, I'd like to visit the general WTF-ery of that track for a second time: On what planet is the subject matter not utter pants?

I can see the love that went into it - they let the fan boys really go to town, but after a while you've just bloody well had enough. I'm trading it in. Let's see if Metallica can do better...

Sick Man!

"Bruv, why am I still up playing Batman?!"

I received that text message at 08:16 this morning.

The answer? Is it because Batman is the finest game this year making it more important than sleep? Not entirely. It's the Pathology.

Game on, Homes. I see you.

you say it best when you say nothing at all

Change is constant

Stop spouting this in knee-jerk fashion. Instead, carry a homemade coin in your pocket which says 'Change is constant' on one side and 'The more things change the more they stay the same' on the reverse. When a opportunity to say something about change comes up, pull out the coin (surreptitiously, of course) and work out to which of those hackneyed one-liners the situation applies. By the time you reach a conclusion your opportunity to speak may well have passed thereby allowing you to avoid the arrows of error under the aegis of Lady Luck herself, while simultaneously basking in something akin to true wisdom complete with pensive visage.

Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer

You're aiming for deep or cool. Stop it. I can imagine Machiavelli whispering this in the ear of upper echelon corporate types, drug barons, prime ministers and kings. But let's be real, the closest you've come to anything resembling the game of thrones is castle kingside in a game of chess - if that. Seriously. Abort.

I don't hate anyone

I really don't know why I've been hearing this so often. Perhaps it's from some popular self help book that I can't be bothered to read. Might be true that you don't hate anyone but let's be clear, it's a matter of circumstance not a matter of will. Think you could mount that high horse as an inmate of a concentration camp? Hate is an emotion and unless you're Buddha (or any similar top-kick spiritual entity of your choice) you're at the mercy of it with the rest of us. How you act on that hate? Well, that's another story.